R.I.P., Sophia

New post coming a little later today. In the meantime, please enjoy this fine selection of food-related Golden Girls quotes from the late, great Estelle Getty.

Sophia: Blanche, a terrible thing has happened to you. But when life does something like this, there are a couple of things you got to remember. You got your health, right?
Blanche: Yeah.
Sophia: You can still walk, can't you?
Blanche: That's true.
Sophia: Great, go get me a glass of water

Sophia: If this sauce were a person, I'd get naked and make love to it.

[Sophia is noisily eating Fritos. Dorothy gets very annoyed]
Dorothy: MA, WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP THAT!
Sophia: These are FRITOS, Dorothy. What do you want me to do, swallow them whole?

[The girls are sick. Sophia tells a story]
Sophia: In Sicily, we never went to the doctor. We went to the Widow Caravelli. Whatever you had, she had a cure. She was most famous for her green salve to cure ear infections. One day, she gave some to Salvadore, the village idiot. He misunderstood the directions and put in on his linguine instead of in his ear.
Dorothy: Well, I guess if you're an idiot with a hearing problem, you do things like that.
Sophia: Actually, it turned out ok. The stuff tasted great, so Salvadore decided to market it. At first, things didn't go so well. Linguine with Ear Salve wasn't very appetizing. But once he changed the name to Pesto Sauce, it sold like hot cakes!
Dorothy: Ma, you're making this up!
Sophia: So what? I'm old, I'm supposed to be colorful.

Dorothy: Anyway, Ma told me that once I started shaving I'd never be able to stop. I mean, she said I'd regret it for the rest of my life because my legs would have bristles.
Sophia: I was right! By the time you were sixteen I could grate cheese on your knees!

[Sophia is making dinner.]

Rose: Mmmmm, Sophia! The kitchen smells wonderful. Is it Chef Boyardee?
Sophia: [holds up a knife] Stick it in my heart, Rose, it'll hurt less!

(Photo courtesy of Stuff.)

City Kitchen Chronicles: Seitan (Make Your Own Meat)

City Kitchen Chronicles is a bi-weekly column about living frugally in Manhattan. It's penned by the lovely Jaime.

(Ed note: As an avowed and enthusiastic carnivore, I’m pretty wary of meat substitutes. Yet, I like Seitan. Not only does it have tons more heft and flavor than tofu, but the headline “Hail Seitan” is wonderfully applicable. But enough of me. Back to Jaime. – Kris)

When people think of vegetarian meat substitutes/protein sources, they usually think tofu. Which is all well and good, except then they usually think slimy, smushy, bland, weird. Which is, when it’s not done right, how tofu usually is: flavorless jello, sometimes with a weird tofu tang. At its best it tastes like whatever it’s cooked in, but tofu itself is nothing for which anyone should abandon bacon.

Okay, even this eleven-year vegetarian doesn’t think there’s much worth abandoning bacon for. But the real secret of great meatless eating, I think, is seitan. Sure, you can marinate and pan-fry your tofu, and tempeh has more texture and its own interesting and complex flavor, but if you want something meaty, seitan (pronounced say-tan) is where it’s at. Sometimes called “wheat meat,” by crazy rhyming people, seitan is every vegan restaurant’s secret weapon. It’s delicious, textured much like meat, and cooks up brilliantly. You can fry it, sautee it, bake it, shred it, and depending on the recipe, it can be a stellar stand-in for chicken, beef, or other non-jello foods.

The caveat, of course, is that seitan is made from wheat protein, aka gluten, so gluten-intolerant celiac folks should stay far far away.

The other caveat, which really isn’t a caveat, as I’ll explain, is that seitan seems like a pain in the rear to make yourself, and is pricey (and slimy) in its little box at Whole Foods. If you’re really hardcore, you start with flour, which you rinse until all the starch is washed away, leaving just the protein. (If you’re not very hardcore, you buy vital gluten flour.) Then you have to season and knead the stuff, then simmer it in broth, and it’s just more work than it’s worth, and it’s wet and not very appetizing at all. For years I thought seitan was reserved for fancy dinners at Candle 79. (That’s the best vegetarian/vegan restaurant in New York City, and probably the world. FYI.)

But then I discovered – I kid you not, this is what it’s called – Seitan O’Greatness, from the fabled Post Punk Kitchen message boards. You start with gluten flour and then (and this is the genius) you bake it. No cutlets, no simmering, no storing in a tub of broth like, I dunno, a preserved brain. It’s dry-baked and delicious, and dang easy to make.

It’s also hella cheap. It’s such a concentrated protein that one batch, which at first seems pricey, makes eight delicious and inexpensive servings. It freezes well and is totally versatile.

What does seitan taste like? Well, the gluten flour itself is flavorless, but this recipe turns out something vaguely pepperoni-ish. And then there are the options – as long as you maintain the dry/wet ratio (replacing tomato paste w/ bbq sauce, but not w/ paprika, for example) you can vary the spices and even the liquids in the mix. You can make something hotter or milder, use asian flavors or bbq, sub in curry powder or Old Bay. Veggie-friendly stores even sell something like “chicken flavor,” a combination of spices that, well, you get the idea. The possibilities are pretty endless.

But here, untweaked and unvariationed, is the original recipe. (Okay, slightly tweaked, because the cinnamon made it weird. And notated.) Enjoy the greatness!

(A note on nutritional yeast, the second dry ingredient after the gluten flour itself. Nutritional yeast, or "nooch" as it’s nicknamed among silly vegans, is a frequent ingredient in vegan cookery. It shows up most often in fake cheeses and seitan recipes, as a flavorer and harbinger of tons of B vitamins. It’s got a great savory, almost cheesy flavor – I think it’s actually umami-heavy – and, after buying it for seitan-making, I’ve taking to sprinkling it on, um, everything. Especially eggs and cooked vegetables. It’s sort of like those green shakers of Parmesan, but more flavorful. And it’s full of protein and the aforementioned B vitamins. Strongly recommended and worth having around, even if you’re not a vegan. One $4 canister usually lasts me a good several months. And it makes eggs sooo good. Huh, I’m pretty hungry. Anyway.)

Seitan O’Greatness!
8 servings
Adapted from the Post Punk Kitchen message boards.

1.5 cups vital wheat gluten
1/4 cup nutritional yeast
1 tsp salt
2 tsp paprika
1/4 tsp cumin
1-2 tsp pepper (I forget this half the time.)
1/4 tsp cayenne pepper (You can use 1/8 tsp if you like it less spicy.)
1/8 tsp allspice (optional)
2 tsp garlic powder (I use a generous tsp of chopped garlic, which in that case goes with the wet ingredients.)

3/4 cup water
4 tbsp tomato paste
1 tbsp tamari (low-sodium doesn’t hurt.)
2 tbsp extra virgin olive oil (or neutral oil, like canola or whatever)
2 tbsp vegetarian Worcestershire sauce

1) Preheat oven to 325°F.

2) In a large bowl, combine wheat gluten, nutritional yeast, salt, paprika, cumin, pepper, cayenne, allspice, and garlic powder.

3) In a medium bowl, whisk together water, tomato paste, tamari, olive oil, and Worcestershire sauce. Stir.

4) Pour wet ingredients into the dry ones. Mix really well, starting with a spoon (but then get in there with your hands). Knead for 1 or 2 minutes.

5) With your hands, make mixture into a log 6 to 8 inches long. "Wrap tightly in foil, twisting ends." (Wrap this good and tight – if it’s too loose you get meat-flavored bread, which is kinda gross. I also recommend putting foil or parchment paper underneath the log, because sometimes they pop open a bit, and then you get a seitany oven floor.) Bake 90 minutes. Remove from oven. Unwrap. Cool to room temperature. Store it the refrigerator, wrapped in foil or plastic wrap. Slice whenever you need some

And then what do you do with this? I cut the log into 8 pieces – that’s a serving for me – and wrap each individually. Sometimes they get cut into matchsticks for a stir-fry (it goes *great* with pineapple and bbq), sometimes little wedges for, um, a different stir-fry. Lately my favorite thing is matchsticks of seitan, blanched green beans, and wilted lambsquarter (you could use spinach, arugula, or any green) tossed in a little mayo (sorry Kris!) and a lot of Old Bay and black pepper. Heaven. You can use it as sandwich “meat,” too. If I’m in a bind for a snack, I’ll also just slice it and dip it in ketchup. Play with the flavors, play with the presentation, and know that no cows were harmed in the making of your meat-type thing. Only wheat. And the wheat had it coming, anyway.

Approximate Calories, Fat, and Price Per Serving
142 calories, 4g fat, $0.81
(Nutritional information provided by Post-Punk Kitchen.)

Calculations
1.5 cups vital wheat gluten: approx $3.75
1/4 cup nutritional yeast: approx $1.40
1 tsp salt: $0.02
2 tsp paprika: $0.08
1/4 tsp cumin: $0.02
1-2 tsp pepper (I use 2 tsp): $0.05
1/4 tsp cayenne pepper: $0.02
1/8 tsp allspice: $0.01
2 tsp garlic powder: $0.08
3/4 cups water: free!
4 tbsp tomato paste: $0.18
1 tbsp tamari: $0.09
2 tbsp extra virgin olive oil: $0.30
2 tbsp vegetarian Worcestershire sauce: $0.47
TOTAL: $6.47
PER SERVING (TOTAL/8): $0.81

That might be the cheapest 20g of protein (without a bucketload of carbs) you can get. 20g protein is 3 eggs - so, okay, about egg-priced. Still, that's good.

Tuesday Megalinks

Casual Kitchen: Favorite Food Photography Links
Need tips and practical advice on how to best set up and execute your food pics? Dan has a nice list of everything you ever needed to know, but couldn’t locate.

Chow: Eat Well and Save - Tips for spending less on good food
Quick and dirty rundown of highly effective grocery shopping strategies. Worth a gander if you’re new to the savings world.

Chow: Public Transit Picnic - Is it rude to eat on the subway?
I tend to agree with the columnist here. Yes, if it’s small, non-odorous, and you genuinely have no other time to eat a meal. No if it’s a ten-course curry banquet from the local Indian joint. Respect public transit!

Clever Dude: Dining as a Group. Paying as a Group.
To sum, Clever Dude and Ms. Clever Dude went out with a bunch of friends, ordered about half what everybody else did, and paid accordingly. (The split-11-ways bill came to $22.50 each, and they forked over $12 each.) While I understand the reasoning, I’m not sure I would have done the same thing. I figure it's a given that group gatherings necessitate equal bill-splitting and order as such. BUT. I’d love to hear opinions.

Consumerist: 13 Confessions of a Waiter
Summary of a longer Reader’s Digest article compiling the … take a guess. Confession #3 is for real, yo. I worked at Wendy’s in high school, and legend had it that one of our sandwich guys punished jerky customers in kind.

Cracked: 7 Most Bizarre Fast Food Industry Lawsuits
Super nifty countdown of cases like Krispy Kreme v. Entenmans, McDonald’s v. Hippies, and Hooters v. Another Chain That Wants to be Hooters. It’s like a law course and a VH1 countdown in the same article! Rated PG-13 for language. (Thanks to Eater for the link.)

Epicurious Blog: What’s the Longest You’ve Ever Waited in Line for Something Edible?
Shake Shack. Burgers. Would do it again.

Epi-log: The Great “Ghetto Latte” Fracas
There’s a controversy brewing over certain Starbucks drinks. Apparently, asking for an espresso, pouring it over ice, and adding free milk from the counter will save about 50% of the cost of a regular latte. Baristas hate this, since it messes with the pricing structure and the drink quality is less-than-great. Has anyone ever tried it? Do tell.

Festival of Frugality #135: Antishay Ventenne
This week’s festival takes a “Frugal All Over” theme, and CHG’s own The Booze of Summer: A Quick and Dirty Guide to Lighter, Cheaper Drinks is an Editor’s Pick. WOOT!

Get Fit Slowly: Want to Lose Weight? Use a Food Diary.
Whether you’re dropping poundage or trying to save some bank, one of the best things you can do is keep track of what you’re eating/spending. According to GFS writer Mac, this acts as a motivator, guilt inducer, nutrition guide, and secretary all in one. Read on for more of his insights…

New York Magazine: Eat Cheap 2008
New Yorkers, take note! And for you non-Bigappleites, How the Rising Cost of Food Trickles Down is interesting, too.

Slashfood: Coffee – Suddenly, it’s good for you
Yay! I just had three cups to celebrate. Screw you, heart disease!

Slashfood: Fruit juice – an invitation to diabetes?
*Sigh* For every piece of good news about coffee, there must be an equal and opposite sliver of bad news about fruit juice. Apparently, eating whole fruits is way better for you. Which makes sense, when you think about all the added sugar in beverages.

Slashfood: My Conversion to Dried Beans
Okay. I’ve tried using Goya dried beans twice now (chickpeas), and both times they came out harder than a rock. I followed the directions to the letter, so what am I doing wrong? Is it me or is it Goya?

Slate: The Mac-and-Cheese Effect - Why family dinner makes working parents (especially moms) feel better.
Oh, what a great article. To sum: “Happily, according to a new study, family dinner appears to be good for parents, too. … Among 1,580 parents who worked at IBM, those who said their jobs interfered less with being home for dinner tended to feel greater personal success, and success in relationships with their spouses and their children ... even if they still worked long hours. They also felt more kindly toward their workplace. Parents who missed dinner at home because of work, on the other hand, felt gloomy about their professional futures.” (Thanks to Serious Eats for the link.)

The Simple Dollar: Ten Ways to Find Bargains on Fresh Food
Nice Top Ten list focusing on produce.

Wall Street Journal: The Candidates Dine Out - What Obama's and McCain's favorite restaurants say about the men
Extensive piece on the candidates’ preferred eateries/cuisines. Both like Tex-Mex, pizza, and burgers. Maybe they’re more alike than we believe… (Thanks to Eater for the link.)

(Photos courtesy of Helping Hands of Detroit, Associated Content, and Random Aussies.)

Peach, Nectarine, and Blue Cheese Bruschetta. Plus, Ramblings.

One of my favorite bloggers in the universe is Bill Simmons, a.k.a. ESPN’s Sports Guy. I’ve been reading Simmons since the late ‘90s, when he was Boston Sports Guy and I was a lowly intern with a Mets obsession and too much time on my hands. And while he’s had one-off classics (Is Clemens the Antichrist?, Destination: Destiny, etc.) his best columns are the running ones. Namely, The Mailbag and Ramblings.

Since my coffee’s unusually weak and I can’t seem to pull my brain together today, here’s my somewhat abridged version of the latter (but with no Celtics references). Essentially, it’s an assembly of random thoughts in no particular order, separated only by space, time, and a little dash at the beginning of each sentence. Maybe eventually, it’ll even become a running column in itself. (Because hey - if you can’t beat ‘em, you can at least pay them homage bordering on outright thievery.)

Here goes…

-Go to Food Blog Search. Do it now. You’ll never make another bum recipe and/or waste money on food again.

-Nine people have been in and out of my office the last three years, and I’m the only one left. Since my company’s moving, I’m forced to clean out a ton of left-behind possessions. So far, I’ve found: toothpaste, dishwashing liquid, a dancing menorah, a newspaper ad for “My Mother’s Jewish, My Father’s Italian, and I’m in Therapy,” 12 pennies, a pen that farts, two Sega Dreamcast controllers, and a sai. Last time I cleaned, it was nunchuks and a Night Ranger album. Draw your own conclusions.

-Friday night, I drank two pints of delectably lemony hefeweizen followed by a bottle of Bud Light. In retrospect, it was like watching U2 and Springsteen open a show for Color Me Badd. Never again.

-Wait, what?

-Has anyone been watching Next Food Network Star? The three remaining contestants seem like super-nice people, but I’m not sure I see any of them hosting a show. It’s not their fault, either. NFNS devotes the lion's share of each episode to contestants' weaknesses, and they come out looking like anything but skilled chefs. Why not play up their strengths more?

-Ma forwarded me the latest JibJab piece. Verdict: funny! Well done! Obama riding a unicorn!

-Ooooo … while we’re on it, the new Watchmen trailer is out. Dr. Manhattan alone made all my nerd synapses fire off at the same time. I’m now in a nerd coma, which is not unlike a regular coma, except you wear a cape and get superpowers at the end.

-Guillermo del Toro is way overrated. His visuals are gorgeous, but looks ain’t everything. Hellboy 2 was virtually plotless, and Pan’s Labyrinth should have been called “How Many Ways Can We Torture a Little Girl? Also, Fascism is Bad.” Yick.

-The New York press has been having a ball with the A-Rod/Madonna rumors. While I realize Madonna is Madonna, isn’t it a tad unfair to blame the whole affair on her? Who do you believe? Consider:

• He’s a serially unfaithful ballplayer. She’s a 50-year-old married mother of three.
• He likes blonde, buxom babes with exhibitionist streaks. She’s anything but a … never mind.
• He’s a New York Yankee. She has a soul. (Oooo. Burn.)

-Every food tastes better: grilled, with cheese, or on a stick.

-I love Ted Allen, and his new show looks really, really nifty. That said, FOOD NETWORK, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND PURE, PLEASE STOP SHOWING THAT SAME FOOD DETECTIVES PROMO 57 TIMES AN HOUR. IT’S MYTHBUSTERS WITH THINGS YOU EAT. WE GET IT.

-Summery tops with empire waists and flowy bottoms are lovely for so many reasons, but they make me look at least five months pregnant. I’m afraid some well-meaning kid will soon offer me his seat on the subway, and I’ll have to A) crash diet, B) kill him, or C) say, “Why yes, I’m carrying quintuplets. Thank you for your seat, sonny.”

-Stone fruit and cheese has become my new favorite thing in the world. For my roommate M’s birthday this weekend, I made Peach, Nectarine, and Blue Cheese Bruschetta, taken from Sue Betts at Feel Good Eats (who got it from her friend Meredith, who got it from San Francisco Ferry Plaza Farmer’s Market Cookbook). After a few changes (halving the olive oil, peaches, and nectarines), and a coupla minutes under the broiler, our tongues were graced with a strange, yet delicious sensation unrivaled by run-of-the-mill tomato bruschettas. Highly recommended. (Oh, also: eaten in bulk, these aren’t exactly light. But three or four won’t kill anyone.)

-How I know I’m getting older: gray hair, crow’s feet, watching 60 Minutes and thinking, “Y’know, that Andy Rooney feller’s got a point.”

And … scene.

Peach, Nectarine, and Blue Cheese Bruschetta
Makes 20 pieces
Adapted from The San Francisco Ferry Plaza Farmer's Market Cookbook.

¼ cup balsamic vinegar
1-1/2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
½ whole wheat or sourdough baguette, cut into ¼-inch slices
1 large peach, peeled and chopped small
1 large nectarine, peeled and chopped small
¼ pound blue cheese, crumbled

1) Preheat your broiler. Line a baking sheet with foil.

2) In a small pot, heat balsamic vinegar over medium heat. Cook about 10 minutes, or until vinegar is 1/2 of what it was. It should be syrupy and thickened when done. Pour into a glass bowl or glass measuring cup and let cool to room temp.

3) Spread bread out on baking sheet and brush each piece with a little olive oil. Broil 2 or 3 minutes, until ever-so-slightly browned. Take sheet out of broiler.

4) To each slice: brush a little balsamic sauce, add fruit, top with blue cheese. Broil another 1 or 2 minutes, until fruit is a little soft and cheese is totally melted. Serve hot.

5) Turn off your broiler. (I forget to do this sometimes.)

Approximate Calories, Fat, and Price Per Serving
50 calories, 2.9 g fat, $0.29

Calculations
¼ cup balsamic vinegar: 40 calories, 0 g fat, $0.30
1-1/2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil: 179 calories, 20.2 g fat, $0.15
½ whole wheat baguette: 260 calories, 4 g fat, $0.99
1 large peach: 61 calories, 0.4 g fat, $0.68
1 large nectarine: 72 calories, 0.5 g fat, $0.73
¼ pound blue cheese: 391 calories, 32 g fat, $2.99
TOTAL: 1003 calories, 57.1 g fat, $5.84
PER SERVING: 50 calories, 2.9 g fat, $0.29